Sunday 21 October 2012

I'm not in love


Thank you to R2 for contributing to this week's blog about life in Singapore from a man's perspective....as my editor, he was on the other side of the screen and realized how difficult and long the task of writing a blog really is. It was fun for me to be the editor and critique the work before it went live. This blog had several revamps before it was LaynainAsia ready, but somehow, I know you will enjoy.
Layna


I'm not in love
So don't forget it
It's just a silly phase I'm going through
And just because, I call you up
10 cc in their "Hey Day"
Don't get me wrong, don't think you've got it made

It was the mid-70s when Eric Stewart and Graham Gouldman from the group 10cc were singing they were not in love. What is unbeknownst to most people is the name 10cc refers to the average amount of sperm a healthy male produces in one, well, let’s just say, “Happy Ending.”  “So this is important because?” It relates to just another day in lovestruck Singapore.
Remember these figures: 10cc = 10 ml AND 1 pint = 473 ml MEANING 473 ml = beeeeerrr

In Singapore, a questionable budget hotel with 81 rooms has its busiest day on Sunday, and during peak hours, there is about an hour wait for room inspection. Rack rate is $50 for two hours meaning that every Sunday there is a solid performance of chuga chuga for eight hours. In 10 hours, assuming the wait list is active and people are willing to bide their time, there are 81 rooms producing an average of 10 ml per hour, per room for a total of 8100 ml or 17 pints of semen a day. Only counting this hotel chain with 24 locations around the city with an 80 per cent occupancy on Sunday can be calculated at approximately 326 pints of semen. I fear to do the math on a rainy day because let’s face it, there isn’t anything else to do in Singapore when the rainy season hits.
"Special" hotels all over Singapore
LaynainAsia and I live near a budget hotel and we notice on hot days, which is about 363 of them, there is a particularly large amount of sheets waiting to be laundered outside the hotel. The stench is pungent, I mean, right in your face, pungent. Asia has a gamey smell at the best of times, but this is particularly ripe. 

R2 on his way to the F1 races





This is, of course, an afterthought as I was cruising the streets of Singapore trying to find my way to the Formula 1 races. It was my first time attending an F1 race, which sounds far cooler than it is.  I couldn’t help noticing the above mentioned events around the dark corners of this wonderful yet odoriferous city; I have to say though, I have been to far worse stinkers in the world, some not far from here. 

Moving along, I finally found the entrance to Zone Four, which was the only zone left to get tickets for cheapskates, if you consider a $160 a pop, budget. The downside of Zone Four is that no matter where you are, the only thing visible is the blur of the cars and tons of noise vibrating my internal organs, which by the time the race started, were processing three pints of beer. 

It wasn’t long before I became dizzy and I decided to return home, however, not before saying goodbye to Katy Perry in person. Katy was the closing act for the F1 and a huge draw for the Grand Prix.  I thought I would take in the concert but between the beer, the crowd, the noise and my age…I decided my comfy bed and wife seemed a better option.
Perry - the Singapore Smurf
Before I managed to leave the F1 area, I saw Katy.  She looks so big, and not just her tatas.  She is attractive, what can I say, we had a moment.  She saw my eyes, I saw her blue hair and soft, youthful stare.  We connected on so many levels.  Okay, I am fantasizing; she was on the big screen and I was trying to climb the walls to avoid the old, fat, drunk Englishman in front of me. Sorry Katy, I am not in love. Go back to your crazy ex-husband, Russell Brand, I will keep my lovely LaynainAsia.  At least she will take care of me.
For the record, since everyone seems to be doing this and getting accolades for their effort, here is my contribution to the great art of literature. This text contains 34 AWESOMES (by simplification, awesome x 34), along with, 45 “oh my” (“Oh my” x 45) and one inner goddess. Here you are, got away with it, without wasting ink and exhausting reader’s patience. Thank you 50 Shades of Crap, I mean Grey.

25 comments:

  1. By golly ! this lad's writing is awe...ntastic !

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    1. "Oh My," shrieks my Inner Goddess as she peers gingerly over her shiny, gold glassess, perched ever-so-slightly on her pink, delicate, upturned nose, as she jumps up and down, does a Hawaiian hula, and sexily bites her pink, rosebud quivering lips.

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  2. Honey, I am the chief of my train. If critics want to hop on board, fantastic. There's plenty of room. The KP train is fun.

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    1. I think the word you are searching for, Ms. Perry, is Conductor!

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  3. From your descriptions, I can almost smell those happy endings and that is not a good thing.
    Interesting male perspective R2, with sperm, Formula 1 racing and Katy Perry sharing ink in the same blog. Thanks for sharing.

    Hugs
    Jacquie

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    1. Hi Jaquie, thanks for your comments, it's really all in a days work :) call it as you see it kinda of approach.

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    2. I bet they never report all those things on TMZ...wait a minute, did I just write that, of course they do!

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  4. i thiink singapore must be one of the only place where this particular chain of events happens all on one night!

    Good one R2!!! - LOOOKIE

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    1. Lookie!!!
      I am not sure you should be reading this blog tho, u shld hv seen mamas face when I proposed it, oh dear...

      I will send u the non censored version separately LOL.

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    2. No corrupting my husband Lookie....with college antics! This is just one hour in the life of a university student.

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  5. Wooooahh.. R2 is goooodles, hilarious! My my you both have funny bones!
    M.

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  6. You kids are so funny!

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    1. Thanks very much for your comments. We have so much fun when we write it or edit each others pieces :)

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    2. Or open a lot of tequila and then the story gets a little more funny.

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  7. SSSHHH, Be Quiet, big boys don't cry.....

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  8. Sounds like you guys should sit down with a bottle of tequila and talk about investing in questionable budget hotels. Sounds like a up and cuming buisiness oportunity LOL

    Entertaining and informational blog :)

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    1. Technically, we call it brainstorming sessions, and it goes well with not only tequila but also anything that mixes with coke and a lime. Oh yeah, by the beach, soaking up the sunset :)

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    2. He is so correct Mr. Allan - we do call it brainstorming and many a wonderful idea arises from anything that mixes with coke and lime....until we wake up the next morning!

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  9. Well done R2, proves blogging runs in families! Miss my Singapore cribbage oponents!

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    1. Was that Lori? Sounds like fun eh?
      ;)

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    2. She should come back and wipe us on the Cribbage board.

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    3. Too funny - missed that particular smell when I was there! Lori

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    4. Well, some things are always a blessing...now that he has pointed it out, I try to desperately walk anywhere but there, but as you know, there is a huge construction project across the street and not safe to walk....sigh....

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  10. Hey R2 picks out Stewart and Gouldman from 10 CC when I think the leads were actually Godley and Creme. I could be wrong about this of course since I can’t remember their first names or even the correct spelling of their names. I had a chance to interview them in (Godley for sure) Calgary in 1978 but got waylaid by events (actually now that you mention it tequila was in that mix).

    You guys could become Lucy and Ricky.

    JC

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    1. Hi JC, thanks for your comments.

      The band initially consisted of four musicians—Graham Gouldman, Eric Stewart, Kevin Godley, and Lol Creme—who had written and recorded together for some three years, before assuming the "10cc" name in 1972. However, "I'm Not in Love" is a song written by Eric Stewart and Graham Gouldman recorded between 74 and 75 under the Mercury records label.

      Hope this clarifies

      :)

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