Wednesday 5 December 2012

Santa, grab your flip flops

People from Canada will think I am barking mad when I whine and moan about the tropical, sweltering heat during the Christmas season, but that is what I am about to do, so pull up a chair.

Orchard Road spectacle
Let me correct myself, it isn't the Christmas season quite yet but the decorations have been up for yonks. In Singapore, we had to get through Thanksgiving for the Canadians, Hari Raya Haji for the Muslims, we then had Halloween for the party revelers, Deepavali for the Indian community, Remembrance or Veterans  Day for the many westerners and never to forget the Americans, it is Thanksgiving today and Black Friday tomorrow.  Whew, I hope I didn't forget anyone.  But amidst all of festivities, Santa has been lurking in the background, trying to get your hard earned dough by advertising what are the hot ticket items you must buy for your kids or their lives will be forever destroyed.  Singapore is always about the money so what better time to drill into our heads that we must head to Orchard Road, one of the most expensive shopping areas in the world, to load up on Prada, Louis Vuitton and Cartier.  I know that I am expecting a $20,000 diamond encrusted Rolex under my Christmas Cactus.

What kind of tree is pink and neon?
Singapore is never one to do anything on a small scale so when I say there are Christmas decorations, I am not talking about a subtle tree or nativity scene scattered here and there. I am talking about 50 feet, neon pink, bedazzling trees that have globe sized ornaments that advertise banks, credit cards, liquor and anything else they can showcase. The electricity needed to light these fake trees would power up an even smaller country. Every nook and cranny has garlands, jolly elves, bulbs, sweaty, scrawny Santas and mustn't forget the music.  

The Yuletide tunes blasted everywhere would rival a rock concert for ear shattering decibels. I have not heard any beautiful music that has anything to do with an Oh Holy Night, but I swear if I hear Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree one more time, I can't be held responsible for my actions. By the time you get out of the madness, you need to have a Christmas Jack Daniels.  

Ye old Christmas VISA tree
The most interesting part of all this manufactured “O Come all Ye Faithful” is that Singapore is one giant construction site.  It is hard to be festive and oohh and aahh over decorations while a brobdingnagian crane is looming overhead and you are listening to the pounding jackhammer make, yet another hole.  I am living in a country full of holes and always on the lookout in case I fall into one. Maybe it will have a candy cane protruding to make the gorge more jolly.

There has never a single Christmas that I haven't been immersed in snow and had Jack Frost nipping at my nose, while I was nipping on Rum Toddies.  It isn't as if I have never seen Christmas in a hot country before. I took my children to Disneyland but it was still chilly while we watched Santa Mickey during the night time extravaganza.  I have gone through brown Christmas where people were out golfing and flying kites after opening presents during El Nino in Canada.  I have had the pleasure of before and after Christmases in Mexico where cities are adorned with real mistletoe and poinsettias as far as the eye can see.   It is charming to see the children in Mexico because of simple pleasures; not this outrageous, overstated grandstanding ad naseum in every mall.

Fighting the crowds at
 Hello Kitty Christmas
Christmas to me was always a time for family, eating until we couldn't roll off the couch, family snapshots where one kid was always putting rabbit ears behind another's head until I would bellow at them to knock it off.  My mom would bake the most delicious cookies, slices and chocolates.  Her house always smelled of turkey, cabbage rolls and the sage from the dressing. I can almost guarantee my house won't smell like that on Christmas for two reasons. First, my oven is 13 inches big so it is tough to make sugarplums dance through your head when you are dealing with an Easy Bake Oven. Furthermore, my house smells like a wet chicken that hasn't been plucked, thanks to the constant rain.  Well, at least it is in the poultry family. Maybe I could sprinkle sage in the corners for that authentic wet chicken dressing smell.

Christmas hasn't always been as easy time in my family.  When my oldest sister Leslie died, much of the enthusiasm of Christmas went away for my family.  Christmas was the time she always made it back to Saskatchewan.  We would sit up for hours arguing over endless games of Scrabble. I know to this day she cheated and that is why I could never beat her.  She would drive me mad by playing the piano and her flute at all hours of the day or night so my sleep pattern was out of sync, but it was a time for family. With the addition of six grandchildren to the mix, my parent’s house became more crowded; there were more sloths on the couches complaining of turkey asphyxiation and while the flute is gone, my son plays some mean Christmas carols on one of his many guitars.  The games may have changed but I play them with the kids and they cheat as well as their Aunt did.
A Mexican Santa in Vera Cruz

I have never missed one Christmas from my family so this will be a first. To make me forget what I am missing, R2 has come up with an even whackier idea than celebrating Christmas in the torrential downpours, soggy decorations and frenzied tourists that push and shove you to jockey the best position for a photo op on Orchard Road.  He has decided to book me into the dessert for an even hotter experience.  We are heading to Dubai to stay in the most glamourous, indulgent hotel in the world, The Burj Al Arab.  I hope having a butler at my beck and call, a fleet of Rolls Royces, and camel racing will make me forget jellied fruit cocktail salads and celery slathered with Cheese Whiz. Thanks to the beauty of Skype, I can’t be with my family but they have promised me they will steal wifi from the neighbours, connect and show me the cookies.

Fighting to take a picture
So Santa, this year I won’t be in Singapore looking out the window while the rains make it as hard to see as a Saskatchewan blizzard.  I am heading for warmer climates.  If you are coming to find me, make a right turn and head to the Middle East.  The security is so tight at The Burj, I hope you can make it through the metal detectors.  

Just between me and you, I would suggest your bikini and flip flops but remember it is a Muslim country so modesty must be maintained.  Perhaps it is okay to wear your speedo under your Dishdasha. 

Merry Christmas from this side of the world.

29 comments:

  1. "Maybe I could sprinkle sage in the corners for that authentic wet chicken dressing smell."

    hilarious

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    Replies
    1. Thanks, but not a hilarious smell. I appreciate the read.

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  2. Another great blog Layna. So funny. I was away from my kids two years ago for Christmas when my landed immigrant application was pending and it was sooooo hard. But thanks to Skype I virtually joined the family in the living room at my parent's house as they opened their gifts. It was fit for a commercial - I almost felt like I was there.

    And I am with you. I still can't get used to this LA Christmas without snow. So I am heading home on December 19.

    Merry merry to you!
    Jacquie

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Jacque, I know you can completely relate. My parents have Dial up so not sure the skype will work...maybe a carrier pigeon or chiseling on a stone tablet. I am glad you are able to get home, Christmas will be bittersweet for your family. Hugs to you.

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  3. Christmas won't be the same this year without you and R2. I guess I'll have to drink hot rum toddies by myself and hold a jam session with your son and fight off the cheaters in UNO - family, got to love them! Hugs and happy mistletoe to you both!

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    Replies
    1. Sorry we can't be there but I know you will boot the cheaters in the butt, and have a wonderful Jamming session with my little boy. Get that old honkey tonk PEEANIE of mom's rocking!

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  4. commmmmmmmmmmmmmmme homme u so meann

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    Replies
    1. I would come home, if I could find it from all of the snow.

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  5. sounds like focus johndis cunnig custard playing his instruments whioe i was being a sloth in bed

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    Replies
    1. You hold down the fort this year and be my stand in - that means you do the dishes and cook the cabbage rolls.

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  6. Awesome Layna you captured it for sure......and I thought I was the only one who missed the smell of cabbage rolls at xmas

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    1. That is the best smell....but the next day, it is a little harsh. I so miss Cabbage Rolls. No one here knows what they are.

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  7. Awww Layna. You sound a homesick. Hurry home and you can meet up with us at a planned pub party two weeks from now!

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    1. Save me a seat - I will be the DD because I don't think I remember how to drive.

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  8. Thoroughly enjoying reading your blog Layna - you've got such a quirky, light-hearted and hugely entertaining style. I'm going to be a regular visitor to your blog from now on!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading and commenting. I appreciate all the support from Singy and beyond.

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  9. Loved this one! Maybe this year I'll finally crank the Marshall stack over volume 5 so it's loud enough for you to hear on the othe side of the world!!


    Loookaso

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    1. Hello Lookaso - any relation to Picasso? I hope you crank that Marshall so high, Santa finds you and brings you a new geetar. Love, love, love you and miss you so much.

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  10. Replies
    1. Scoobydoo. You guys are crazy! Tu eres loca!

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  11. Layna!!! Me encanta tu blog. Muy divertido!!

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    Replies
    1. Gracias, mi Amiga. Ahora si pudiera escribir en espaƱol

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  12. Absolutely priceless! Keep up the good work, Layna... :-)

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    Replies
    1. Thank you for reading and Feliz Navidad from Singapore.

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  13. Your editor may be correct – some real wit. Funny Jewish folks, who knew?
    I think you are missing home though!

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    Replies
    1. I never knew I was so funny and that 15,000 would think so as well. Thanks for reading and supporting.

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  14. Merry Christmas - enjoy Dubai! I look forward to reading about it on your blog. :)

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    Replies
    1. I hope something spectacular happens so the blog is entertaining.

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